Today I am thinking about fear. It is such a great power. I think that until today, I have never really perceived its greatness, its depth.
Me for example, I am afraid of so many things. I am afraid of highs, of dogs, of not being loved, but most of all, I understood today, that I am afraid of big changes. I think that this is my greatest fear. Changes. An I am not talking about changing my hair colour or my job, or my home. I am afraid that if I move to live with somebody I truly believe in, he would stop loving me, or live me, or die.... I just need to have a back up plan. I need, and this is a primal need in my mind and being, I need to have something certain. I need to know that no matter what happens, I would be able to manage on my own. The worst thing is that I understand my fear, and yet I cannot do anything about it. I know that I have missed so many opportunities, so many chances that I will never, ever have again. I have done that fully understanding what I am going to miss, and how badly I am going to miss it. And still, I have done nothing about it.
What is that? What type of masochist am I to do this to me? And I still have time, I still can turn my life around, and I will not do it. Even while writing this, I know that I am not going to do what is best for me, I am not going to do the one thing that would make me completely happy.
I don't know if a lot of people fee this way, but I pity myself.
I don't know if a lot of people fee this way, but I pity myself.
How bad is that?
